Single.

Hi.

My name is Lauren Grondel

I am 25 years old,

And I am having a crisis of faith.

My life is nothing like I feel I was promised growing up.

No husband.

No kids.

No supportive family ward (or “conventional” as they are now termed).

And I wonder, if it wasn’t for my belief system, 

would I be happier with this situation?

I’m young.

Marginally beautiful.

Full of life.

Maybe a touch conceited.

Ready and able to experience so much of what life has to offer.

But I feel I am taught

This is not enough.

I am constantly being told of the importance of the family.

Protecting the family.

Raising a family.

We should all be searching to start our own families.

The whole point of mortality is

The family.

But I am a part of a family.

A loving, wonderful, hilarious family.

But again

I feel I am taught

This is not enough.

I am supposed to be head of my own.

And I see the appeal.

I long for a loving life partner.

I yearn to be a mother.

But I am neither.

And I currently have no reason to believe my situation will change in the foreseeable future.

My sister would disagree.

All women are mothers, she would say.

We nurture and lift and love and impact the lives around us.

And I love her for believing the best of me.

But like most women with children

I say

It is different.

According to my belief system, this means I am

Incomplete

Refining

Preparing.

According to the culture associated with it, it means I am

A child

Unwanted

An oddity

Something peculiar to be shoved away into a separate ward so they and their children don’t have to be burdened by our uncomfortable presence.

Maybe not me personally,

But people like me.

They claim it is for our benefit.

To find a partner.

To grow with people like you.

But I think it is one thing:

An excuse.

I am not forced into it.

I could become part of a conventional ward.

I am told it is my choice.

But without a change in my marital status,

Will it make the difference I so desperately need?

Can it heal years of doubt that make me wonder

am I here

because I am less-than?

am I still here

because I am undesirable?

For the most part,

My life is good.

I am happy where I am.

I have people who love me.

I try, fail, and try again to be a good person.

I believe in God.

I believe He wants my eternal happiness.

I believe religion is good.

But it is becoming harder to see my place in it.