connection

Why is it

that I cannot handle change?

Why is it

I need to tell about my day?

Why is it

that the people I want to tell the most

cannot see the urgency I feel?

Am I better at hiding than I supposed?

"Be more confident,"

they say.

"Believe in yourself."

In what way?

Believe, so that I feel confident in sharing because I want to?

Or believe, so I no longer feel the need to share?

Believe, so I ask for what I want?

Or believe, so I no longer ask for too much?

I crave connection.

Not just once a month.

Not just the occasional visit.

Not just intermittent phone calls.

But that is my reality.

I've accepted it.

And yet,

hard as I try,

my emotions 

won't. stay. put.

They leak out,

always at the most inconvenient of times.

I want to reach out.

But you are living your life.

And I am no longer a major part of it.

A part, yes.

But I no longer have the privilege of knowing

the inane

the daily

the insignificant.

Those tiny petals of experience

that feel like the very breath of life.

Here, we do not see eye to eye.

Our connection is strong,

and yet it feels more real to me

when I share,

when you share

the small. 

The periphery.

The details.

Please.